The European Locker Room

As most of you know, I'm a good swimmer. I wrote my college essays about how, in the water, I'm a very tall person. (That's a shout-out to the Shelley Winters line in the Poseidon Adventure, but none of the colleges picked up on that. At least not in a negative way). I love to swim. I love pools. I'm not a person who minds wet feet, the smell of chlorine, or pool locker rooms.

But I have entered into a new phase of locker-room-life. It's called The European Locker Room. And yes, it's how you imagine.

We've been swimming a lot. Swimming pools (or swim halls as they're weirdly called) are open on Sundays (Huzzah!) and they're fun entertainment for Fiona, who, like me, loves the water. She jumps from the side ("Toes on the blue to be safe!" her diving teacher mother barks frequently) and dunks her head under. Adorable, yes? But is it worth it?

You see, in order to get to this wet, jumping place, we have to first hurdle the obstacle course that is the European Locker Room. It's coed. Yes. Co-ed. It's nice, because Russ can help me get Fiona dressed and such. But the sights! The naked men (the Speedos they wear inside the pool don't leave much to the imagination, but at least it's SOMETHING), the naked women (many of them don't SHAVE, AT ALL, anywhere, and they're very furry looking), and the naked kids (not nearly as much of a problem as the adults). It's enough to make my Puritan Massachusetts self go "EEEEWWWW."

Once we get to the pool, it's not much better. The aforementioned Speedos. The furry women (bathing suits are worn, but these women have great self-image and don't care about the fur, fat, and wrinkles (go them!) and the bathing suits are often ill-fitting and see-through, as if they're really an afterthought). The children, 99% of whom are wearing just a Speedo bottom (girls and boys. Fiona is sort of a freaky child for wearing a full-pieced suit. The preschool crowd definitely all wear just the bottom. The elementary crowd could go either way). It's all a bit, um, German.

Then after swimming, the biggest challenge of all- the shower. At least there are separate rooms for men and women to shower, but the women's shower contains several young children (boys, girls, whatever, I'm deathly afraid I'll see a student) and it's a big, open room with many shower heads and just as many furry, wrinkly, naked women standing around chatting and showering. It's all I can do to unroll my suit and peel it off. The first few times I left it on from the waist down- I just couldn't do it. Now I'm able to stomach taking the suit off, but it's very uncomfortable. Fiona is usually causing some spectacle (shrieking about the soap in her eyes, the temperature of the water, the NOISE of the shower (seriously?!) and of course it's in English, so the furry women are all staring at me, and I'm really uncomfortable being a NAKED parent of a tantrummer.

That's the pool. The pool around here is great, it's well worth the moments of discomfort. But I've not yet ventured to the SAUNA. Which is NOT just a small wooden room inside your local gym. Oh no, dear readers. It's a whole place where you enter into this giant room (from what I understand) where there are different varieties of sauna, steam rooms, jacuzzis, pools, chairs where you can sit and read, etc. It's meant to be restful and relaxing. You wear a robe out of the locker room and shed it when you get to your first choice and then leave it off THE WHOLE TIME. And it's co-ed. Co-ed Naked Sauna. Was that a T-shirt from high school?